I'm Scared

I did not think that when we got lost together, trying to find our way back to a place we only half remembered where it was, that that would come up.

That one thing, the deepest darkest secret she had never told anyone - and that she would tell me. I did not expect her to tell me. Me! A girl of barely eleven summers who she had known for just two days. I did not expect to find out that she had been raped by her father. I did not expect that anything like this could happen to me. It always happens to someone else. But it doesn’t. It happened to me. Thing like that are horrible, because you think, what if? What if I had done something else, what if I had done nothing, what if I had done something else what if I had known earlier? There are too many what ifs in life and I have dealt with too many of them to know what to do with myself.

Trying to help people... it screws you over. I think I try to help people because of the haze of anger that swallowed my house. I remember going to my room. I remember hiding beside my bed so the thing that dwelled in the haze would not kill me. I remember watching my sister fall. I never remember seeing her hit the ground or what happened afterwards because she was swallowed up by the haze as well. I did not think I would spend the rest of my life trying to help the people I thought were trapped in hazes like mine because I remember how much it hurts.

There are five people who depend solely upon me. They won’t talk to anyone else. We have complete trust between eachother and they tell me anything and everything. They talk, I listen. I should not have to deal with four other peoples’ lives while I am still trying to cope with my own, while I am still trying to put back together the pieces of my own life, while I am still running from my own personal haze while I am still trying to live. I did not think that I would have that many people depending only on me. I did not think I would have to help other people while I am still trying to help myself and failing. I did not think I would have to help people while I am still having difficulty walking through each day. I was having difficulty putting on clothes I am having difficulty staying away from sharp objects with so much capacity for hurt. I am having difficulty keeping myself calm enough to remember to breathe. I have to keep busy because I have to keep working, and if  I stop working I have to remember everything and that day and that is not something I want to or can relive again. I keep busy so I do not have to think. I did not think.

I cannot sleep because if I sleep then I remember. I remember everything, I remember the responsibilities that people are putting on me that are driving me insane. I cannot cope with all this pain when my pain is still destroying me from the inside out. I’m scared that I’m not going to make it out the other side of all this hurt and pain that is not even happening to me. I’m scared. I’m so so scared.