I think I'm breaking.

No, breaking is too hard and fast a word for the emotions - or lack thereof - I'm feeling. It's more like crumpling, like an internal implosion. You know that delicious feeling you get when you slowly crumple a piece of paper down to flatness, when you crush a can? Demolition is in our natures, only sometimes, others don't even know they're hurting us. Sometimes I don't even know I'm hurting myself until it's too late.

Over the past week, I've had at least five people come up to me, just randomly as we pass each other, to ask if I'm alright, if I'm okay, if I'm fine. I force a smile, say "yes" or some variation with just enough emotion, and then continue. It's not like I can talk about feelings face to face. It's too weak of me. [UPDATE: I was smiling and someone still asked me if I was okay.]

I've been avoiding people at school, yet desperately seeking them out. I wish I could tell them all to go away, while I hope desperately they'll ignore me.

I've been stupid lately. I have too many scars from everything I've been through, both inside and out. Only one person has even come close to figuring it out. No one will. They didn't last time, or the time before that. I have to tell people for then to notice. And I won't.

It's really strange. I feel more perfect that I ever have before, but I feel more hopeless and useless and despondent and worthless than I have for a few days. These feelings come and go, and somedays it's all I can do to hold the mask in place, while I hope so much someone will notice the mask and ask better questions. After all, does anyone really expect an answer other than "okay" or "fine"?

Stop asking. Stop asking if I'm alright because I'm not. I'm breaking. No - crumpling.