I know I am in trouble when my hands shake, and my eyes fill with tears, and the walls in front of me blur with foreign objects in my eyes yet unshed. I cannot breathe for fear that I will inhale your scent one more time.
I know that I am broken. I know nothing is going to be able to fix me, least of all myself, and I cannot help but cry. And yet you sit there and you look at me. Can’t you see I don’t want your pity? I do not want anything from you anymore. I am done taking your pity, taking your love, taking your life. I suck it like a leech. I can see that you are unhappy. I can see that you do not want to be with me anymore.
I can see that this is not how you thought you’d spend your life. I am sorry I wasted the best years of your life because I am never going to get them back either. I wanted to spend them with the boy I thought loved me, not you.
Not you.
You hurt me too many times to count, yet I still stayed beside you, because I cannot bear to walk away and see that pain in your eyes. I cannot bear to stand, some days, because I know I will just end up on my knees again - against my will - by nightfall.
And you wonder why I cry.
You wonder why I won’t even meet your eyes in the mornings, when at night I still lie on your chest, counting your heartbeats like sheep until I fall asleep. I used to wonder this. I still wonder if you know what you’re doing is really wrong. If you can’t see anything wrong with it, if you think this is normal, then what if it is? What if I’m the crazy one who needs to be locked away, like all my friends are? What if it’s me?
I’m not sure if I can be fixed. But I do know I don’t want to be fixed by you.
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