letter to ___ (1)

i've been trying and trying to figure out how to write this for weeks now

subconsciously and consciously rewriting and editing and changing and deleting over and over and over

it won't be perfect

but then again

neither am i

i think ill be writing a few more of these

thats why i numbered it already

i can only go so far without breaking

but i guess you know that

this should really be part of the letter shouldnt it

oh well

i guess the letters a fuckup too

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dear ___

i wont say your name here but i know (for now) who you are

okay look so i realised how much i hate myself, being myself, today

i can't

b

r

e

a

t

h

e

and i hate myself

and my stomach fucking hurts and i know why and if you were here you would too

i hate who ive become

i hate that it's just a lie

i hate

hate

h

a

t

e

not being able to -

i shant finish that thought

ive been thinking of awful things

doing awful things

not just to me to other people

i feel like i have

i feel so many things you have no idea, ___

im so scared

im scared

im scared of getting hurt again

im scared of not letting myself get hurt again

im afraid of failure

i failed yesterday, did i tell you?

cause i definitely told you id be able to keep up my 'winning streak' of passing everything

i guess i fucked up

i guess i am a fuckup

because maybe someone who wasnt a complete waste of space wouldnt hate themselves so fucking much

and i know i know i know i could actually go tell you all this (online)

but im scared

i want to be able to cry

but i cant because my parents might find me and i cant show emotion i have to be strong why does no one REALISE THIS

i wish i wasnt me

i wish i wasnt around

i wish i trusted someone who wasnt several fucking years older than me and was dealing with too many things to be able to cope with mine

i wish

i wish

i wish i wasnt a fuckup

i wish there was a button i could press and it would just remove every memory of my existence

i wish i wasnt me

love
_______